The Horizon Letters
by cellotlix
Summary: "It took him three days to feel guilty for the way he'd spoken to Shepard, and another week to muster up the courage to do something about it." Kaidan Alenko and Commander Shepard correspond through the course of ME2. Hurt, angst, reminiscing, and above all, a love that can't be broken.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: I don't think I'm the only one completely disgusted/dissatisfied with the way the Kaidan arc was handled in Mass Effect 2, so here is my offering to the cause. I think this story will end up being a handful of chapters, but I'd like to try make the interim a little more believable and not so freaking slapshod and hamfisted. I mean, really Bioware? That email "About Horizon.." was the best you could do? BOO. **

**I'm calling it the Horizon Letters because the Horizon IMs or the Horizon Correspondence sounds a little stupid. Yes, I know no actual letters are being sent :P  
**

**Feel free to leave me a review with your thoughts because I love hearing from you! Thanks all :)  
**

When Kaidan saw Shepard on Horizon, he'd had time to prepare himself. It wasn't a surprise. If it had been, he suspected he wouldn't have been able to string two thoughts together. Instead, he would have gaped, speechless, struggling to reconcile this flesh and blood approximation of the woman he'd loved to the memory of watching her twist in the void, the Normandy a blasted shell behind her.

There'd been odd rumors surrounding her return. The whispers were that she now worked for Cerberus, and that she was behind the missing colonists. Kaidan had refused to believe this on principle. If nothing else, Shepard was an Alliance soldier, and that was without considering their own personal history. They loved each other. She wouldn't . . . she _couldn't._

"Kaidan?" she asked him, disbelieving. She blinked, wiping a trickle of blood off her face.

He was unable to reply. The sound of her voice after so many interminable nights believing she was dead brought a hard lump to his throat. He pulled her roughly into his arms; half a reaction, half a test. But it was really was her, just as he remembered; the same scent of her, the same feel.

"Where were you?" he said, his voice hoarse. "We- we all thought you were dead."

"I was," she said with no small amount of surprise. "Cerberus found my body and brought me back."

She said it as if a terrorist cell resurrecting her was the most natural thing. He hadn't wanted to believe it was true, but now the hard truth was staring him in the face, in the shape of the woman he could not seem to stop loving, not even now. "You're with Cerberus."

She heard the hard, bitter note in his voice just as easily as she had those years ago, when the slightest change in tone or expression immediately alerted her to his thoughts. "It's not like you think, Kaidan," she said quickly, holding out her hands in placation. "The Collectors are abducting human colonies, and they might be working for the Reapers. Cerberus brought me back to stop them."

"And you trust them?" Kaidan asked her baldly. "Despite all they've done, you believe their word over the Alliance?"

"The Alliance isn't listening!" she shouted. "The Council patted my head and told me to restrict myself to the Terminus, so I wouldn't disturb the nice, cushy peace they have going with my scary stories about Reapers. Cerberus is the only one with the resources I need willing to believe that I know what I've seen!"

"How do you know they aren't using you, Shepard? How do you know they aren't lying to you?"

"Because everything they've told me about the Reapers and the Collectors so far are things I've seen for myself, with my own eyes. Which, believe it or not, are still attached to a functional brain. You were with me on Ilos- you remember the Prothean VI! You spoke with Sovereign with me on Virmire! Why- why don't you believe me now?"

It was the broken way she said it, as if he was the one being irrational. As if he was the one who was betraying something. "I don't trust Cerberus," he said through his teeth. _And now, I can't trust you._

"Kaidan, I'm not _with_ Cerberus," she insisted. "I'm under no obligation to obey their orders. I've been given a crew and resources, and told to accomplish something I would have tried to accomplish on my own anyway. Can't you understand that?"

"They're using that goal as a smokescreen, to keep you from seeing what they're really like!"

He saw a muscle in her jaw twitch. "I don't care."

"What?"

"I don't care! They're the only ones willing to do anything about the Reapers and missing colonists, and if I have to be complicit with them because I take the resources they're willingly throwing at me, then I guess I'm complicit."

He was horrified. "How can you even say that? How can you think it? You're an Alliance soldier, you- you swore to uphold the Charter! You're betraying everything you stood for, every promise you made!"

"Because I'm not anymore," she said, and he watched the passion in her eyes fade, replaced by vast coldness. "I'm dead to them. Maybe it would be better if I was dead to you too."

She didn't wait for him to reply. She signaled her team – a salarian and a heavily tattooed biotic – and strode back to the hovering Normandy without looking back at him once. The angle of her shoulders was stiff, furious; hunched as if she bore an impossible weight. He thought he saw those shoulders shake a bit before she disappeared inside the ship, though he couldn't be sure.

He watched the Normandy disappear into the overcast sky. He was still frozen in place long after they had gone.

* * *

It took him three days to feel guilty for the way he'd spoken to her, and another week to muster up the courage to do something about it.

To call what he felt guilt would be an incredible understatement. It bordered on half-insane self-loathing, so intense he would catch himself with his hands threaded in his hair, a breath away from yanking it out in clumps. What kind of moron was he? He loved Shepard, and had died a little every day that she was dead.

What kind of brainless cretin was he if his first reaction to seeing her alive was to harangue her for who she accepted resources from?

He fired up his console without thinking

_KA 21:34 – Shepard?_

She let him hang for almost an hour before replying, and he felt as if that hour stretched an eternity. He paced his Citadel apartment, sifting through his meticulously organized belongings, pulling everything off the shelves and reorganizing them. The beginnings of a migraine flared in his skull, but he maintained a staunch vigil at his console, waiting.

_SS 22:22 – I'm busy._

_KA 22:23 – Are you really? Or are you angry?_

_SS 22:23 – I'm both. What do you want?_

He paused, considering. He wanted it to be two years ago, with the original Normandy in one piece. He wanted to serve under Shepard's command once again. He wanted to be married, just as they'd planned on shore leave, only weeks before the disaster.

_KA 22:29 – I wanted to apologize._

_SS 22:30 – Really. Well, I'm all ears, Alenko. Hit me with your best shot._

The situation didn't really call for it, but he almost smiled.

_KA 22:32 – I realize I didn't handle seeing you again like I should have. _

_SS 22:32 – You're damn right you didn't. You have any idea how difficult it's been trying to get in touch with you? Anderson wouldn't tell me a thing, the Council basically told me to blow my questions out my asshole. No one from the Alliance will even look in my direction, let alone answer my questions or listen to what I have to say about the Reapers. And then you have the _balls _to accuse me of throwing in my lot with terrorists, as if it wasn't my ONLY DAMN OPTION._

_KA 22:34 – I didn't consider that when we spoke._

_SS 22:34 – I KNOW you didn't. Kaidan, I realize it's been two years since the accident and – and Chicago. But for me? It's been a few weeks._

He hadn't considered that at all, to his increasing shame. He remembered it so clearly, even though it had been two years; their shore leave, the hotel, the innumerable times they had made love. The ring on her finger, promises spoken in throes of passion. Spinning under smoky lights in a jazz dive.

He rubbed his eyes.

_KA 22:36 – I didn't realize, Shepard._

_SS 22:37 – So let's realize it together, shall we? Picture you wake up, and the last thing you remember is dying in a horrible, gruesome way. You're flailing in the void, you can't breathe, you're screaming and furious, and you don't even see your life flash before your eyes before you go; you see the one person you love more than anything. You see his smile, the way it felt when he kissed you, the promises you shared that you're breaking now, though no real fault of your own. And the Reapers, of course; you see the Reapers coming. And then you're dead. _

_SS 22:39 – And then – you're not! You're in a base, and there are explosions and gunfire, and you have a disembodied voice telling you to put on your armor and grab a gun because the station is under attack. And you don't know what the fuck is going on, but you do it because you're not interested in dying again. You want to get out of here to see him again, and to defeat the Reapers. They're the only things you're interested in at this point. You fight your way out and find some others, and when the story comes out that you've been dead for two years and it wasn't the Alliance who saved you but Cerberus, you're so angry you can't see straight. You're spitting, you're furious. You won't work with terrorists, no way, no how._

_SS 22:42 – But you go back to Alliance space and you go to the Citadel, trying to tell them what you've learned from the Illusive Man, and they either tell you that they don't believe a word you say or that they do but they can't do anything about it. And you're left with the disgusting, horrible truth that the only way to help the galaxy at this point is to throw your lot in with an organization that sacrificed multiple children all for the sake of producing a super biotic. An organization that has no problem doing terrible things to advance humanity._

_SS 22:44 – You HATE it. But you do it, because you have a duty to the galaxy. It's one you swore to uphold when they made you a Spectre, when they made you an Alliance Marine. And just because both the Council and the Alliance think you're a lying asshole now doesn't mean that duty went out the window. _

_SS 22:45 – So there's that. And then you find out that the man you love has been promoted, and you're incredibly proud of him and you can't wait to talk to him and tell him you're alive and just apologize for the rest of your life for leaving him to suffer in grief for so long. Because you know what losing him would do to you- you know it would kill you slowly, day by day. And you hate that you put him through that. _

_SS 22:47- But no one will tell you where the hell he is. _

_KA 22:47 Shepard –_

_SS 22:48 – Let me finish this, Kaidan._

_SS 22:49 – You know who does tell you where he is? The Illusive Man. The head of the terrorist organization you're working for, and he only tells you because he's afraid it'll get in the way of your mission to save the Horizon colonists. And the whole time you fight through the colony your heart in your throat. You're so afraid that you got there too late and he was taken with the rest of the colonists, to suffer who knows what._

_SS 22:50 – But he's there! And you can't breathe for a full minute because you are just. So. Happy. And it takes you too long to realize that he's not happy to see you- that he's angry at you! That he's looking at you the way the Council and the Alliance did; like you're some stupid, raving liar who can't be trusted. Maybe you're a Cerberus clone? Maybe you've got a control chip? Who knows? And you can't breathe again, but now it's because you just _ hurt.

_SS 22:53 – And you wonder if maybe it would have been better if he still thought you were dead. _

He hadn't considered any of this. He'd only seen his anger, the grief that had festered into bitterness the moment he'd heard she worked for Cerberus. He'd closed his ears to her story, his eyes to her pain. He rubbed his burning eyes, tried to swallow the hard lump in his throat.

_KA 22:57 – I'm sorry, Shepard. I – I don't know what to say._

_SS 23:00 – Don't say anything. Just leave me alone._

And so he did.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Special thanks to TheJadedStar, ZOMG its Angie, TheWinxPrincess, CyanB, jay8008, stephivass, fahRENheit2006, LeftBrainThinker, Dandy in the Aspic, HotaruGFC, Letticiae, and Anon for your reviews, and to everyone else who read, faved and followed! **

**I might be a glutton for punishment or something, but writing characters arguing and being irrational is strangely fun. Not to worry- they won't argue forever :)  
**

**Please leave me a review because I love hearing your thoughts. Thanks for reading, everyone.  
**

As a general rule, Kaidan and Shepard had never fought like this before. Sure, they'd had disagreements; what couple hasn't? One would say something inconsiderate, the other would get angry, terse words would be exchanged before the eventual apologies. All very standard. In fact, he and Shepard fought very little compared to most other couples he knew of. Even his own parents would sometimes devolve into heated arguing, far more intense than he'd ever known with Shepard.

But this was different. In this case, there was no clear transgressor and victim. It wasn't as easy as apologizing and moving on as if nothing had changed.

He had a few days to mull over Shepard's words. It didn't require much soul searching to realize that he had been awful to her, that he'd only seen his own perspective without attempting to see hers. She'd known this- she'd brutally spelled out her perspective for him so that there would be no confusion as to the things she had suffered.

It stunned and upset him to realize how badly the Council and Alliance had wronged her. She hadn't been lying; the Alliance had all but disavowed her, the Council had shunted her to the Terminus, preferring to ignore her warnings; hell, even the news seemed to take a particular glee in announcing that she was alive but disgraced, now working for terrorists.

Who could have guessed one of her most incredible qualities – her courage and sense of duty – would be what brought her into the fold of a terrorist organization?

So, yes. He began to understand her desperation, her insistence on stopping the Reapers at any cost. He did not trust Cerberus though, and he suspected nothing would change that.

But he missed her. He still loved her; God, how he did.

It was almost four days before he heard from her again. He maintained his silence just as she'd asked, though he wanted nothing more than to assault her Omni-Tool with apologies and entreaties. He was angry, still; more at Cerberus and circumstance than her. He was hurt- two years of fruitless grieving had hardened something in him, leaving bitterness behind. But he wasn't so far gone not to love her.

_SS 11:11 – Kaidan?_

_KA 11:11 – Yes?_

He waited for a reply, chewing on a hangnail.

_SS 11:14 – I think I should apologize too. _

He didn't want to say that she should, that the bitterness in him had turned that desire into a pinching demand. After all she'd said the last time they spoke, it would only serve to start another argument and he was sick of fighting. So he waited.

_SS 11:18 – I demanded that you see my side without bothering to really appreciate your own. I – these last years must have been terrible for you. And I'm sorry I didn't really try to understand how you must feel – believing I'm dead only to learn I'm alive but working for terrorists. _

_KA 11:20 – I appreciate it, Shepard._

_SS 11:20- Yeah, well. For whatever it's worth._

Another long pause as the two of them struggled to continue on. It was still too raw, Kaidan felt. Still too recent.

_SS 11:25 – I'm not sorry I yelled at you, though. You can be such an ass. Not like I had forgotten or anything. But you're lucky I didn't break your nose. _

_KA 11:26 – Are you trying to start another fight?_

_SS 11:26 – Just being honest. Like you wanted. _

His lips twisted- he remembered this sarcastic streak.

_SS 11:26 – Sorry, it was a joke. Those are kind of hard to tell on this thing._

_KA 11:27 – I wouldn't have blamed you too much if you broke my nose._

_SS 11:27 – Bullshit. You'd have hit me back._

_KA 11:27- Never._

_SS 11:27 – No honor among thieves, but chivalry for terrorists, huh? _

_KA 11:28 – It's not about you being a woman. It's about you being Shepard. I couldn't have hit you._

_SS 11:28 – Right. Well, your pissy sanctimonious face was asking for it. I could have broken that perfectly straight nose of yours and slept like a baby after._

_KA 11:29 – I'd almost forgotten about your temper._

_SS 11:29 – I wonder how much else of me you did forget. It shouldn't have surprised you that'd I'd do whatever it took to stop the Reapers. _

He didn't reply immediately. She was right, of course; he should have remembered that stubborn determination of hers, so easily seen in the steely glint of her eyes, the resolute angle of her shoulders, her stride. The measured tones of her voice.

_KA 11:31- You're right. _

Another long pause. The Citadel café buzzed around him, the sound of many conversations – lifting, falling. Too much light, too much sound.

_SS 11:34 – So, how are we going to do this?_

_KA 11:34 – Do what?_

_SS 11:34- This. Us. I don't know if – wow, listen to me. Presuming away. For all I know, there's another woman in your life already._

_KA 11:34 – There isn't._

He could almost see the skeptical quirk of her eyebrow.

_SS 11:35- You're telling me no one caught your eye once in two years? You never went out, had drinks, listened to some jazz?_

_KA 11:35 – I went out with a doctor here on the Citadel a few weeks ago. Some friend set it up. Nothing came of it._

_SS 11:36- I see._

She was definitely upset.

_KA 11:37 – I mean it. Nothing._

_SS 11:37 – No talking like we did? She didn't touch you? Kiss you? _

_KA 11:38 – She kissed me. I said good night and then I went home. _

Her jealousy was almost a physical sensation against his skin, though god knew how many light-years separated them at the moment. He waited for her reply, surprised at the mingled irritation and pleasure he felt. That she cared enough to be jealous was encouraging. That she seemed to expect constant grief from him was not.

_SS 11:40 – Well, I wouldn't want to get in the way of your epic romance with the doctor._

_KA 11:40- For Christ's sake, Shepard; you were dead. What should I have done? Mourned you forever? Thrown myself on your pyre? _

_SS 11:41 – NO! I'm sorry, Kaidan. The idea of another woman kissing you makes me irrationally angry. Pretend you still care and think about another man kissing me, touching me like you used to. Are you angry?_

He was gripping the table so hard that his knuckles popped, hot bursts of pain.

_KA 11:42 – It's your life. Your business. _

_SS 11:42 – Oh, listen to you. Well, fine. Enjoy the high road. I have work to do._

_KA 11:42 – Shepard, wait._

There was no reply.

_Damn it._


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Special thanks to my reviewers: SonYume, JoleeKee, gracie21, Sora-chan120, semper-paratis, sisterthemoon, AnnaComnena, HotaruGFC, Letticiae, eternalshiva, TheJadedStar, Karajgil, CyanB, Jeidi, stephivass, and to everyone else who has read, faved and followed!  
**

**As much as I would love to have our cranky lovers argue this whole fic, I thought at one point they would realize - wow, I'm kind of glad this person is alive and stop it for that reason alone. (for now, anyway XD)  
**

**I mention an exquisitely beautiful of piece of music in this chapter - _When David Heard _by Eric Whitacre. I highly recommend you check it out if interested!  
**

**Please leave me a review if you read and liked or have some suggestions! Thanks, all!  
**

_KA 12:01 – Shepard._

_KA 12:20 – Shepard, please._

_KA 12:56 – I don't know what you want me to say. _

_KA 13:01 – I'm sorry._

_KA 13:30 – I don't know how else to say 'I'm sorry'._

_KA 14:21 – I'm sorry for being an ass._

_KA 17:45 – Dammit, Shepard; I lied. Okay? The thought of you with another man is –_

_KA 22:05 – I think I broke my knuckle. That's what it does to me._

_KA 00:42 – I mean, a few weeks ago, you were dead. I would have given anything to be able to talk to you again._

_KA 00:53 – And now that I can, it seems like I can only say the wrong thing. Or not say the right things._

_KA 01:11 – It's just, I . . . this whole thing has knocked me so off balance, I can't think straight. I- I missed you and I loved you and you're just as I remember but you're working for Cerberus. We've fought them, we've seen the terrible things they've done. It's not _right_ that they're the only ones willing to look at the Reaper threat as an eventuality. That they're the only ones who believe you. Something is off about it._

_KA 01:20 – And I know I've been taking that out on you, and I'm sorry, Shepard. _

_SS 03:49 – For the love of- Kaidan! What part of 'I have work to do' didn't you understand! _

Kaidan let out a ragged sigh of relief, letting his head thump pathetically on his desk. The longer she had gone without replying, the more a tight fist of icy fear had curdled his gut, making it hard to breathe. It had seemed less like she ignored him out of anger and more she ignored him because something was wrong.

_KA 03:50- I'm sorry._

_SS 03:51 – Yeah, I know. You said it a few hundred times._

A long pause as he struggled to type the words.

_KA 04:01 – I don't want to argue anymore. I'll try and keep from saying stupid things. I just . . . you're off doing who knows what. And I don't want something to happen to you and our last conversation to be another argument, okay?_

_SS 04:02 – I- okay. I was going to say that nothing will happen to me, but that's a flimsy promise to make._

_KA 4:02 – Yeah._

Kaidan rubbed his raw eyes, feeling somewhat more at peace. Things were far from as they were, but she was alive and she didn't despise him. These last years had made a beggar out of him; he would take what he could get.

_SS 04:10 – Kaidan?_

_KA 04:10 – Yeah._

_SS 04:10 – I know this is . . . probably a weird, painful question. _

_KA 04:11 – I figure I owe you some answers to a few of those considering my behavior._

_SS 04:12 – I'll hold you to that._

_KA 04:12 – I know._

_SS 04:13 - What was it like after I died? What happened? _

He sucked in a hard breath. Of course she was entitled to know, but he'd made it a point of self-preservation to put those memories as far from waking thought as possible. His life hadn't been easy, surely- but that awful time after her death was among the worst of his experiences.

_KA 04:15 – I don't remember those days so well, Shepard._

_SS 04:15 – Yeah, after I typed it I realized it was kind of a horribly cruel question. I'm sorry, Kaidan. Just forget it._

_KA 04:19 – I remember some of your funeral. Hackett presided; said the standard things. You know. 'A tragedy, one of the best and brightest, sacrificed much for the Alliance and the galaxy.' He said it had been one of his highest privileges to know you. _

_KA 04:22 – They had that picture you hate up at the front, since - since there was no body. The service portrait they took after the Blitz, when you were promoted? They hung a wreath over it – red flowers, like your hair. They played that piece you always liked; _When David Heard, _by Whitacre? _

_SS 04:23 – Christ. Were they trying to make everyone cry?_

_KA 04:25 – If they were, it worked. I remember it didn't really hit me that you were gone until I returned to duty; shunted to another command, another ship. I kept expecting to find you around the corner half the time, and then one day it just hit me like a freight; you were gone. You weren't coming back._

_SS 04:25 – Kaidan –_

_KA 04:26 – You know that verse? From the Whitacre piece. "_When David heard that Absalom was slain, he went up into his chamber over the gate and wept, and thus he said: my son, my son, O Absalom my son, would God I had died for thee!" _It was just perfectly appropriate. I used to try and bargain with god or whoever out there listens: 'Take me instead. Take anything instead.' _

_KA 04:35 – Shepard?_

_SS 04:36 – Oh, Kaidan._

_KA 04:36 – Are you crying?_

_SS 04:37 – Damn it. How do you always know?_

_KA 04:37 – I had a hunch. Shepard, I wasn't trying to upset you._

_SS 04:38 – You didn't! I just . . . god, I think about how you suffered and just – I can't do anything but apologize to you now, a thousand times. _

_SS 04:38 – I think that maybe it really would have been better if you never knew me._

_KA 04:39 – That isn't true at all._

_SS 04:42 – Isn't it? Don't mince words for me – were you alive these last two years? Or did you merely exist? Were you happy or only functional? And think- if you never had known me, you'd never know what the loss of me felt like. You never would have had to live that. _

_KA 04:43 – I still wouldn't trade knowing you, not for anything. I had a lot of time to think about it, and I wouldn't give up the good for the bad. That's the nature of loving someone, the terrible and wonderful bargain you make when you do. I made those promises knowing full well what could happen._

_KA 04:47 – Shepard, are you all right?_

_SS 04:48 – You know, I worried at first that I was an AI that thought it was Shepard. I guess I don't have to worry about that anymore._

_KA 04:49 – Let's talk about something else then. I don't want to upset you any more than I already have._

_SS 04:50 – Kaidan, I just – can I promise that I'll make this up to you some day? This whole fucking situation- dying, Cerberus, everything._

_KA 04:51 – I don't need you to break your head over it. You're alive. Ignoring whatever else is going on, do you know how happy I am to know that? _

_SS 04:58 — Yeah, I – I know. Thanks for staying alive yourself, Staff Commander._

_SS 04:59 – It's ridiculously late and I haven't slept in over a day. Can we talk more again?_

_KA 05:00 – I'd like that, Shepard._

_SS 05:01 – Okay. Good night or… well, whatever it is where you are._

_KA 05:01 – Take care of yourself._

_Please._

_SS 05:01 – You too._


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Thanks to my reviewers: HotaruGFC, Dandy in the Aspic, Urd85613, JoleeKee, gracie21, AncientAssassin, Letticiae, CyanB, and stephivass, and to everyone else who has read, faved and followed.**

**I know I've been neglecting my other in progress Shenko story in favor of this one, but the concept has kind of taken over my brain. Don't worry- I haven't forgotten about the other one!  
**

**Please leave me a review and share your thoughts with me! Thanks for reading, all.  
**

Kaidan woke a few hours later with a horrific migraine, flaring at the edges of his skull. He hadn't slept much in the last few days, and he had hoped to get a full night in; hoped in vain, it looked like. Too unsettled and uncomfortable to go back to sleep, he rolled out of bed and scrubbed at his rough face.

His temporary apartment was usually poorly lit, since bright lights and noise tend to set off his headaches. He kept it bare since he was scheduled to return to Earth in about a week (rumor had it for an assignment Anderson had in store for him), and it made little sense digging in and making himself at home.

This was technically his leave.

He hadn't used it well so far. He avoided the Wards in favor of the Presidium, as the latter tended to be quieter. He floated through the shops, had lunch and dinner in the same rotation of cafes, went to a classical music concert when he could. Most of the time, though, he hovered over his Omni-tool, waiting for it to ping.

He figured no shore leave would be able to measure up to the leave he'd spent with Shepard in Chicago, two years ago.

This morning, he didn't even have the energy to float through the Citadel with his usual aimlessness. He slumped on the couch when his console pinged in the corner. He rushed over, immediately more awake.

_SS 11:45 – Kaidan?_

_KA 11:45- I'm here._

_SS 11:46 – Did you really break your knuckle?_

He supposed it would have been too much to ask for her to forget that little bit of honesty the night before.

_KA 11:46- Nah. It's a bit swollen, is all._

_SS 11:46 – Of course. And I'm sure it hurts to type, right?_

It did, actually.

_KA 11:47 – Not really._

_SS 11:47 – Liar._

_KA 11:48 – How do you know I'm lying? You can't see it._

_SS 11:48 – Are you sure about that?_

He craned around involuntarily.

_KA 11:48 - … pretty sure. _

_SS 11:48 – You sound a bit unsure, Kaidan. Well- look a bit unsure. You know what I mean._

_KA 11:49 – Prove your claim, Shepard. _

_SS 11:49 – You're sitting in the dark, at your console. Hunched a bit. You're still wearing your pajamas – flannel pants and no shirt. You haven't shaved yet._

_KA 11:50 – Does Cerberus have this place bugged?_

_SS 11:50 – No, dummy. You're just a very predictable creature of habit. I take it I'm right?_

He let out the breath he'd been holding, pinching the bridge of his nose.

_KA 11:51 – You're very clever. _

_SS 11:51 – Aren't I? But you distracted me from what I wanted to say._

_KA 11:51 – Which was?_

_SS 11:52 – The thought of another man touching me makes you so jealous you end up hurting yourself._

He could almost see her smug grin.

_KA 11:52 – I'm glad that amuses you._

_SS 11:53 – Mostly, I wish you wouldn't hurt yourself. But yes – the thought of you caring that much does make me happy._

_KA 11:53- Shepard …_

_SS 11:54 – What._

He paused, fingers poised over the GUI keyboard. He did care- a ridiculous amount. Aside from her alliance with Cerberus and the misunderstandings that had come from that, they seemed as if they would slowly slide back into their roles, their familiar cares. And yet it was still very strange; having her back after believing her dead. A part of him didn't trust it.

_KA 11:55 – Nothing. _

_SS 11:55 – So you haven't slept with anyone in two years?_

_KA 11:55 – You sure don't beat around the bush._

_SS 11:56 – Well?_

_KA 11:56 – No. I have not been with anyone._

_SS 11:57 – I'm not going to lie – this does make me happy, in a very selfish awful way. But why? _

_KA 11:58 – I was mourning you. I wasn't really in the best place to be meeting people._

_SS 11:58 – Well, sure. I understand that. But you didn't even look for something casual? For . . . I don't know. Stress relief? Taking your mind off things?_

_KA 11:59 – I told you; I'm not the sort that does that kind of thing lightly. _

_SS 11:59 – I'm starting to see that. _

_KA 12:00 – Starting to?_

_SS 12:00 – I mean, I kind of had an idea. It's just, you know – talk is cheap. Now I see. _

_KA 12:01 – Yeah. _

_SS 12:01 – Still, though. _

_KA 12:01 – Why do I get the feeling you still find this funny?_

_SS 12:02 – I don't! If anything, I might feel a bit sorry for you. What would you have done if I never came back?_

It was amazing- he'd only known she was alive for a little over two weeks, and yet the thought of living that life without her again seemed remote and detestable, to be fiercely guarded against.

_KA 12:02 – Become a bitter shell of a man, I guess. I don't know, Shepard. _

_SS 12:03 – Alright, I'll stop asking you about it._

He couldn't be sure, but he suspected they were both thinking about the last time they'd slept together. He sure was, at any rate. He cleared his throat.

_KA 12:05 – So. You were busy yesterday – what were you doing?_

_SS 12:05 – Hah. I have to respect that you just came out and asked me, instead of trying to be sly about it._

_KA 12:05 – Why would I be sly? I'm curious._

_SS 12:06 – You're not asking on behalf of the Alliance?_

_KA 12:06 – I'm sure they'd be interested too. And I'll probably have to report anything really big. Mostly I'm just wondering how much I should be worrying about you._

_SS 12:07 – Nice save, Staff Commander. _

_KA 12:07 – Thanks._

_SS 12:08 – Well, mostly I've been building up a team to take on the Collector base. Picked up Tali on Haestrom – that was a shit storm. Garrus is here too; he was on Omega making trouble for the merc groups. Yesterday, though, we were in the _**[redacted] ** _system checking out a _**[redacted] **_distress signal._

_SS 12:09 – What the hell?_

_SS 12:09 – We were in the _**[redacted] **_system._

_SS 12:10 – WHAT THE HELL!_

_KA 12:11 – Wow. Almost have to respect that Cerberus ingenuity._

_SS 12:11 – Excuse me for a minute. I need to have a chat with my second in command, _**[redacted]. **

_SS 12:11 – Oh, you have got to be kidding me._

_KA 12:11 – Shepard, wait—_

There was no reply. Whoever this second-in-command Cerberus officer was, Kaidan almost pitied them. When roused into temper, Shepard could be a force of nature, as he'd had very personal experience with recently. He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples in an attempt to ease his migraine until the console pinged again.

_SS 12:25 – So apparently there is a program installed on every extranet interface on this ship that blanks out specific or detailed information directly regarding Cerberus. I imagine that sounds convenient._

_KA 12:26 – A little, yeah._

_SS 12:26 – Well, I don't know what to say. Apparently, _**[redacted] **_suspected I'd be more than happy to share Cerberus secrets with the Alliance and took the necessary precautions._

_KA 12:27 – Are you able to video chat?_

_SS 12:28 – Hah. Nope. _

_SS 12:28 – And I doubt she'd allow me to just buzz by an Alliance outpost for a debriefing. _

_KA 12:29 – So you've been silenced. Are you being held against your will?_

He could almost see her patiently sigh.

_SS 12:29 – No, Kaidan. As terrible as I find this arrangement, they are still the only ones willing to do what is necessary to stop the Collectors and the Reapers. And if it means I have to play along with them, then I guess I have to do that._

_KA 12:30 – What if the Alliance was ready to do what's necessary? _

_SS 12:32 – I'd – I'd try and get out. I'd try and get my team to come with me. Despite the fact that some of them are Cerberus, they're good people. People pushed aside and ignored over the years. There's this cook _**[redacted] **_who _**[redacted]. **

_SS 12:33 – God, you have no idea how angry seeing that makes me. _

_KA 12:33 – I have some idea._

_SS 12:34 - But . . . I was able to talk about Garrus and Tali. Hm. Let's test – Mordin Solus, former STG agent, loves Gilbert and Sullivan. _

_SS 12:34 – I see. Because some of my crew technically aren't Cerberus personnel, I can talk about them. _

_KA 12:35 – Interesting …_

_SS 12:35 – I'd say._

_SS 12:36 – Kaidan, you know I'd tell you whatever I can, right?_

_KA 12:36 – Yeah. _

_KA 12:36 – Though this would be a clever enough way to dodge giving information if that's what you wanted. _

_SS 12:37 – That's if you think I'm capable of such a lie; to you, no less. Do you think I'm capable of that?_

His first response was to say no, of course not. But something about the procession of events struck him as odd, uncomfortable. Cerberus hung over every word she spoke. He could not ignore the knowledge that she had died and Cerberus brought her back – how much of her did they change? Was she just as she had been, or had they taken precautions with what had probably been an incredible investment?

_SS 12:40 – You're taking a really long time to answer my question._

_KA 12:42 – I don't know, Shepard. If you're exactly the way you were before Cerberus brought you back? No- I can't see you lying to me. But I don't know if you're the same as you were. I don't know if Cerberus changed you or implanted you with something to keep you loyal. _

_SS 12:42 – You just heard me say a few minutes ago that I would leave them in a heartbeat if the option was open to me. _

_KA 12:43 – I'm just being honest with you. This is what I'm thinking. _

A long pause.

_SS 12:46 – I don't suppose there is anything that would earn your trust again, is there?_

_KA 12:46 – Time, probably._

_SS 12:47 – That figures._

_KA 12:47 – What?_

_SS 12:48 – I have to go to work now, Kaidan. Maybe we'll talk later._

It was back to maybe, now. He knew he'd hurt her and he abruptly was furious at himself for it. He was furious at the whole situation; reunited with the specter of Cerberus looming over them, between them. If only anyone but Cerberus had brought her back. If only she hadn't died in the first place.

_SS 12:49 – Do me a favor and get your hand checked out. _

_KA 12:49 – All right. _

_KA 12:50 – Be safe, Shepard. _


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Special thanks to my reviewers; CyanB, Letticiae, stephivass, gracie21, HotaruGFC, happylilcpck, and Karajgil, and to everyone else who has read, faved and followed.**

**I had not really intended for this story to be too long - it doesn't make sense in my mind that there would be a bunch of written conversations between the two considering Shepard is fighting Collectors and Kaidan is preparing for his new assignment (we know it's his promotion to Major and his gig with the Spec Ops biotic squad). Not sure how many more chapters there will be, but I think it'll lead into some fun things.  
**

**Anyways, leave me a review and share your thoughts! Thanks for reading guys.  
**

It was almost a week until he heard from her again.

Though those few days felt much longer than they were in actuality. The worry had begun to eat at him slowly, like a kind of rot. What he knew of her situation did not give him much confidence that she was safe. She had only said something about taking down the Collectors, who were working for the Reapers. Cerberus was involved.

It was typical of her, he supposed. Ignoring personal safety for duty. He didn't have to like it, though.

He'd tried to enjoy the last days of his leave, but it wasn't really in the cards. If anything, his wandering had become even more preoccupied, less successful; she was always on his thoughts. The danger she was in, the fact that he may never see her again and they'd spent whatever time they had arguing.

En route to Earth, his Omni-tool pinged and he let out a sigh of relief, one he suspected he'd held for days.

_SS 16:22 – Kaidan._

_KA 16:22 – Yes?_

_SS 16:23 – You said you needed time, right?_

_KA 16:23 – Shepard, I was just—_

_SS 16:23 – It's a fair request._

That stunned him. He'd been fully prepared to grovel.

_KA 16:24 – What?_

_SS 16:24 – This mission, it's – well, it's not really standard procedure. It's far beyond the usual risk, and the more I learn, the more it seems like . . . well, my point is I'll give you whatever I can, okay? Anything I can._

_KA 16:25 – What are you talking about?_

_SS 16:28 – I – I thought I would tell you, but I don't want you to worry. Just – I've been spending the last few days getting things in order with my team. Taking care of . . . well, god- now that I think about them, they seem like last requests. Mordin needed to find an old student. Jack needed to blow up the Cerberus facility that had tortured her as a child. Garrus needed to confront an old ally that betrayed him. This drell Thane needed to find his son. Tali needed to clear her name. _

_SS 16:29 – I just need you to know I'll give you whatever I can. _

Cold fear clenched in his gut as he stared at the stark words, struggling to make sense of the odd intent behind them.

_KA 16:30 – Why does this sound like _your_ last request, Shepard?_

_SS 16:30 – It's not! You know I've pulled off tougher jobs._

He could almost see the falsely confident smile, trying so hard for his benefit.

_KA 16:30 – You don't need to pretend for my sake._

_SS 16:31 – I'm serious! It's the routine ones I have to watch out for._

_KA 16:31 – You're not going to elaborate on any of this, are you._

_SS 16:31 – No. Just . . . like I said. You said you wanted time to trust me again? I'll do my best._

_KA 16:32 – Damn it, Shepard, tell me what's going on. I haven't heard from you in over a week, and when I do finally, you just give me cryptic half-promises that make no sense. _

_SS 16:33 – I don't really have anything concrete to give you. I'm just working on a feeling here. _

_SS 16:33 – It's like you said – I don't want something to happen and our last conversation to be an argument. Do you remember the last thing I said to you before I died?_

He didn't think he'd ever be able to forget those words, how inappropriate and insufficient they had been.

_KA 16:34 – You told me to get the hell to the escape pods. Screamed, really._

_SS 16:36 – I immediately regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. The Normandy was breaking apart all around us, and you weren't going to go. You were going to stand by my side no matter what happened. I knew that the only way to get you to go was to yell, and so I did. And yet, if I could have chosen better last words to you, I would have told you how much I love you, how it had been the greatest gift of my life to know you. _

He swallowed. Suddenly, it hurt to breathe.

_KA 16:37 – And now?_

_SS 16:39 – I'd tell you the same._

_KA 16:39 – Shepard-_

_SS 16:42 – Don't. I know it's hard for you now, because of Cerberus and . . . and everything. God- this conversation had a point and now it seems to be hiding from me. I was just thinking how you are now, and what you've done since I died, and I worried that it was my fault._

_KA 16:42- It's not! _

_SS 16:42 – Are you sure? Maybe you would have been able to move on if I had said something differently, if I had done the right things. And I'm just wondering. If this mission goes sideways – unlikely, but you know – and the last words I said to you were angry or bitter or cruel, I wouldn't be able to live with myself._

_SS 16:42 – Ha! Get it?_

_SS 16:43 – I wouldn't be able to live with myself? Because I'd be dead already._

_SS 16:45 – Bad joke._

_KA 16:45 – Not one of your best, no._

_SS 16:45 – Sorry. I had to try. Throw out a couple of bad jokes and the minute someone is even vaguely amused, the situation isn't heavy anymore_

_SS 16:46 – Let's talk about something else, then. How was the rest of your leave?_

_KA 16:47 – It was all right. _

_SS 16:47 – What did you do?_

He swallowed the wave of resentment he felt at her insistence to change the subject. He wasn't a particularly short-tempered man, but the situation had become so ridiculous that it took a real effort to keep from lashing out at her and demanding the truth. But a part of him knew that she was right; that both of them lived dangerous lives and they couldn't know when the end would be. So he humored her.

_KA 16:48 – I wasted it; did the same thing I do whenever I go to the Citadel. Caught some music, watched a few films when I could manage. Ate at the same places._

_SS 16:49 – I always liked how predictable you are. Anywhere nice?_

_KA 16:50 – There's a little café called Apollo's that's decent. Overlooks the lake. It's peaceful. I'd spend my afternoons there._

_SS 16:50 – I'd like to see it someday. What do you say we make it a date? _

She was trying too hard, but at that moment he wanted her to. He wanted the reassurance.

_KA 16:50 – All right. It's a date._

_SS 16:51 – So you have any idea what your next assignment is? I mean, if you can tell me. I am a scary Cerberus agent, after all._

_KA 16:52 – I don't know. The rumor is Anderson has a special assignment for me. I'll find out when I get there._

_SS 16:52 – Tell him hi from me, if you could?_

_KA 16:52 – I will._

_SS 16:55 – Sorry. I was just . . . I had a selfish moment. I was thinking how much I would rather be there with you, getting some new assignment. I was thinking how much I would rather be fighting with the Alliance at my back than Cerberus. I talked to Tali about it – she wasn't really thrilled about joining a Cerberus ship, but she did for me._

_SS 16:57 – Anyways, I told her that I'm fully expecting them to betray us at some point. Not the crew on this ship – they're all good people. A lot like you'd find in the Alliance. But I don't know. I get this feeling; each time I go into hell, I'm waiting for the hammer to fall. I'm waiting to be caught without some vital information that means the difference between life and death. And while the Alliance isn't perfect, I never had to worry about that with them. _

_SS 16:58 – I don't know. I guess my point is I'm a bit jealous of you._

_KA 16:59 – Jealous!_

_SS 16:59 – Well, yeah. For you, it's business as usual. You're a damn good soldier and the Alliance knows it. They value you. For me – I'm lucky that Hackett still talks to me, trusts me enough to give me an assignment. The Alliance was my home my whole life – growing up on my mom's ships, joining at eighteen. And now? Well, I'm can't be trusted, not really. _

_KA 17:00 – They'd accept you the minute you cut ties with Cerberus._

_SS 17:00 – Do you think? I'm not so sure anymore._

_KA 17:00 – Absolutely. Like you said, the Alliance is your home. _

_SS 17:01 – Yeah …_

_KA 17:01 - And maybe they don't go back to the way things were right away, but they won't hold out forever. When it comes down to it, they'll need you. _

_SS 17:02 – I hope you're right._

_SS 17:02 – I have to go, Kaidan. I – I'm just letting you know I might not be around for a few days. I don't know how long this assignment will take._

_KA 17:02 – Is it something for Cerberus?_

_SS 17:03 – No, actually … it's something for Hackett. It's in the Bahak system. I don't know how much else I should say, since it's a personal favor. _

_KA 17:03 – Right._

_SS 17:04 – I'll – I'll talk to you soon, Kaidan. Good luck with your new assignment._

_KA 17:04 – Good luck with yours. _

_SS 17:04 – Thanks. _

He rubbed his eyes, trying to ignore the increasing feeling that he had left something important unsaid. Well, he knew what it was. It was what she had said to him so easily, as if nothing had changed, as if there had never been loss and distrust and anger between them.

_KA 17:09 – Shepard?_

_SS 17:11 – Yes?_

_I love you._

_KA 17:12 – Be safe._

_SS 17:12 – Ha. I'll try. _

Since she had warned him that she might not be in contact for a few days, at first he thought nothing of it. He figured since the assignment came from Hackett instead of Cerberus, it could be trusted. It was less of a worry or threat. What could Hackett possibly demand of her that would be worse than anything Cerberus could cook up?

He should have known, of course. It was as if the unknowable forces of the universe took these thoughts as a challenge.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Special thanks to those who reviewed: Anon1, MissLiya, Karajgil, JoleeKee, HotaruGFC, CyanB, and Anon2, and to everyone else who has read, faved and followed. **

**One more chapter and then onward to new things! Feel free to drop me a review and share your thoughts! Thanks everyone. **

For once, intel was on the ball. Reports of the destruction of the Alpha Relay came only a few hours after the event itself. It lit up unsecured Batarian comm traffic like lights on a Christmas tree, and as uncomfortable neighbors, the Alliance was quick to secure this information.

Understandably, there weren't many details immediately available. The who and why eluded the Alliance, but one thing was clear; the entire Bahak system had been obliterated, with a casualty count over three hundred thousand.

At first, Kaidan was convinced that once again, he had lost Shepard. She'd mentioned a covert mission to the Bahak system, and now that system was gone. As with most things, he was inclined towards realism flirting with pessimism. Their last conversation took on a slightly prophetic edge.

But there were whispers that the Alpha Relay had been intentionally destroyed, resulting in the deaths of every living soul in the Batarian colony. Most of the evidence had been destroyed as well, but there was one thing that the Batarians and Alliance uncovered; a fragment of a transmission begging the colony to evacuate before it was cut off.

And Kaidan knew.

He began assaulting her inbox. Fear had made him desperate and oddly angry, and the longer he went without confirmation, the more difficult it was to control that grasping anxiety.

_KA 12:10 – Shepard._

_KA 14:49 – Shepard, where are you?_

_KA 17:02 – We've been hearing strange things here at HQ … the Alpha relay gone, a whole colony destroyed._

_KA 19:19 – If you're there, please tell me what's happening._

_KA 23:34 – Shepard –_

_KA 02:56 – God, if something happened –_

_SS 04:07 – I'm here, Kaidan._

He held a hand to his raggedly pounding heart.

_KA 04:07 – What the hell happened, Shepard? You're in the Bahak system, and next thing I hear the system has been destroyed, the Alpha relay gone, three hundred thousand Batarians dead and the Hegemony out for blood. _

She didn't reply immediately, and he could almost see the furrow in her brow as she pieced together the events.

_SS 04:11 – There was an Alliance initiative to investigate a Reaper artifact found in the system. The project head Dr. Kenson was captured by the Batarians when they learned what the project's goal was – to destroy the Alpha Relay with an asteroid. I infiltrated the colony and rescued her, and she explained to me that they wanted to destroy the relay because it's the one the Reapers would use to enter the galaxy, and the Reapers were coming in a little over two days._

_KA 04:11 – Shit._

_SS 04:12 – Yeah._

_SS 04:14 – It was only after I brought Kenson back that I realized the entire team had been indoctrinated by the Reaper artifact. They attacked me and sedated me for two days. I had to fight through the base and initiate the project with only minutes to spare. I … tried to warn the Batarian colony, but I ran out of time. _

_SS 04:15 – I – I can't get any of it out of my mind. I had minutes before the Reapers came- mere minutes! That's a fine line between a few more months of preparing and getting caught with our pants down. And the Batarians … _

_SS 04:16 – I don't have the best history with them. For god's sake, most of them still know me by name for what I did to their people at Elysium. And now—well. Now three hundred and five thousand of them are dead because I wasn't fast enough. Because I wasn't good enough. _

_KA 04:16 – Shepard, that's not true._

_SS 04:16 – Yes it is. I heard a few unsecured transmissions – they're calling me the Butcher of Aratoht now. Hackett says they don't have much concrete evidence, but there is just enough for a witch hunt._

_SS 04:17 – And because of that, when my mission with the Collectors is finished, I'll be surrendering myself and my ship to Alliance Command. _

He stared at the words on the terminal for a long moment.

_KA 04:19 – I – Christ, I can't think of anything to say._

_SS 04:20 – That's been my reaction as well._

_KA 04:20 – Shepard, it's awful about the colony and the Batarians who died. But if you hadn't done anything, they would have died anyway, and many more besides. You did the right thing. You—you shouldn't have to turn yourself over like some kind of war criminal._

_SS 04:21 – But I am. And … well, at this point, I know what would happen if I didn't. The Batarians have been looking for a reason to go to war with us since we showed up. Can you imagine how bad a war would be now? With the Reapers coming? _

_SS 04:22 – So if I have to turn myself over to save the Alliance from that, then that's what I'll do. I'll do it with no regrets._

She was right, of course. She'd obviously had a lot of time to think about this.

_KA 04:23 – Are you all right? I mean, were you hurt?_

_SS 04:23 – No more so than usual. _

_SS 04:25 – It's just … I don't know. I thought I had more time. I thought I'd be able to do more. And now, it looks like the only thing I can do is defeat the Collectors, turn myself over and just hope to god everyone else is ready to do what is necessary to prepare for the Reapers._

_KA 04:26 – They will, Shepard. You aren't alone in this. Hackett and Anderson believe you, and – well, so do I. We aren't going to let them forget._

_SS 04:26 – That means a lot, Kaidan._

_SS 04:27 – Hah. You know, this could all end up being moot anyways._

_KA 04:27 – What do you mean?_

_SS 04:27 – Never mind. I'm sorry, I'm just … I'm so tired. _

_KA 04:28 – Are you sleeping?_

_SS 04:28 – No, not really. I tried to warn them, Kaidan. And I think that if I had been faster and just … better, they'd have been able to evacuate. _

_SS 04:29 – And the worst part is, this is only the beginning. So many more will die, and there is nothing I can do. Regardless of how well we prepare, how skilled we are, people will die. Trillions. Loss of that magnitude is just staggering- your mind almost tries to protect itself from the sheer scale. And I know logically it's wrong, but I can't help but to feel responsible._

_KA 04:30 – You're not responsible for the well-being of every person in the galaxy._

_SS 04:30 – It starts to feel that way, though. When enough is expected of you._

_SS 04:32 – They mean well. The Hero of the Skyllian Blitz. The Hero of the Citadel, First Human Spectre. Hackett says people still thank me by name for what I've done. And then there is this shit with Cerberus and the Collectors, and I don't know. I can't decide if it's better people expect so much from me they are inevitably disappointed, or if they see me as a traitor. _

_SS 04:33 – God, listen to me whine. I'll shut up about it._

_KA 04:33 – You're not whining. And even if you were, you'd have more reason for it than anyone I can think of._

_SS 04:33 – That's nice of you to say._

_KA 04:34 - It's the truth._

_SS 04:34 – Kaidan, I have to go. I should try and sleep before – well, I have a lot to do yet. _

_KA 04:35 – I don't suppose you can tell me about any of it?_

_SS 04:35 – Just wrapping things up, really. A few loose ends. It'll be time to take on the Collectors soon._

_SS 04:36 – I'll – I'll try and talk to you soon._

_KA 04:36 – Shepard, wait._

He was suddenly desperate. He feared the prospect of losing her again, the looming specter of danger that hung over her shoulder made it hard to sort out his thoughts. She was with Cerberus and that was terrible, and yet it almost felt like she wasn't. It was like her insistence on talking to him was a kind of small rebellion against the organization, the only one she could indulge in.

It wasn't the way they had been, and perhaps it never would be again. But some things hadn't changed.

_KA 04:39 – I'm glad you're all right. I'm glad you got out of there._

_SS 04:39 – I am too. That Reaper tech – I don't know. It does something to your head. The visions have stopped, but the nightmares haven't._

_KA 04:40 – First the Prothean beacon and now this, right?_

_SS 04:40 – You said it. _

_SS 04:41 – I feel like you're the only one I can tell this too. Even though you – well, it's different but not that different._

_SS 04:42 – I don't like the prospect of having to sit out and wait for the Reapers in an Alliance prison, but there is a very small, selfish part of me that is looking forward to coming home. _

_SS 04:42 – And who knows? Maybe they won't keep in prison. Maybe we'll figure something out and I can work with the Alliance to prepare for the Reapers. It's kind of a dumb fantasy right now, but it's a nice one. _

_SS 04:43 – And then maybe if I can do something, those who died won't have died in vain._

It was every bit something the Shepard he knew would say. If he still doubted her, it became more and more difficult to continue in the face of the woman he loved, as genuine as the real thing.

_KA 04:45 – They won't have, Shepard. Maybe it's selfish of me, but it'll be nice to have you back._

_SS 04:46 – Right? If I can just keep thinking about that, maybe I'll have good dreams tonight. Or today. Whatever the hell time it is._

_KA 04:47 – Here's hoping._

_SS 04:48 – We'll talk again, Kaidan. As soon as I can._

_KA 04:48 – I'd like that._

_KA 04:49 – Be safe, Shepard._


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Thanks to Xx Eve of Destruction xX, AnnaComnena, stephivass, CyanB, Jenna53, and Letticiae for your reviews, and to everyone else who has read, faved and followed!**

**Feel free to leave me a review and let me know how I'm doing! Thanks, guys!  
**

When Shepard died the first time, it had been a violent surprise. They'd been happy and in love, and it had blinded them both to the fact that they had dangerous jobs in a dangerous galaxy. This time, the bloom was off the rose; he could see full well what was coming. Hindsight was 20/20, they said.

It was four days later when he heard from her again. He'd grown to expect these periods of silence, though they didn't exactly make things easier. He was halfway to opening the chat interface he used when he realized that the ping came from a video program. His heart leapt into his throat.

She looked awful. Her skin was paler than usual, and there were dark circles under her eyes. Her cheeks were gaunt and he realized that she must have lost weight. _"Kaidan?" _she said. Her voice was rough, hoarse.

He leaned closer to the console. "I'm here."

She pressed her lips together, steeling herself. _"I know I promised you time. I have . . . oh, about two hours until we reach the Omega-4 relay. After that, well – I don't know."_

His gut was a knotted mess. "Shepard . . ."

"_The Illusive Man says that we can do this, but we all know the score on this ship. This is a suicide mission."_

He couldn't think of anything balanced to say to this. "Why now?"

She took a steady breath, tucked a strand of hair behind her ear._ "They – the Collectors abducted my crew while my team and I were away on a mission. And I have to get them back. It isn't just my crew, though; it's every colonist that has been taken. It's my job to get them back."_

"Dammit, Shepard; it's not your job to fix everything!" he burst out. "You're one person, trying to carry the weight of a galaxy that refuses to step up. It's not your responsibility alone. We – we should have done more. What have we done? What have _I _done?" He threaded his hands through his hair, desperate.

"_Kaidan," _she said, shimmering a bit through some interference. "_When I was a kid, I was told that if you can, you must. I always took it to mean that if you had the ability to help, you had an obligation to. Because not everyone does, you know? Some people are slow or sick or so broken they can't help themselves, and if you're able to, you _have _to help. Not you 'should'. Not you 'might'. You _must."

"Who told you this?"

"_My mom," _Shepard said, looking almost fond. "_It's good advice. Words to live by."_

"Yeah."

"_So you see, it is my job. Because I'm blessed with a healthy body, quick reflexes, and outstanding training. It's within my ability to help the colonists, to stop the Collectors and the Reapers, and so I have to. I want to!"_

"You're wasted on us," Kaidan told her. "On me."

"_I don't believe that."_

He swallowed in a futile attempt to bring himself under control. "I thought you didn't have access to video chat."

"_Miranda lifted the block. I don't know anything good about Cerberus, anyways, so she judged there wasn't a risk. And . . . well, I told her that I wanted to talk to you face to face. In case this is it. In case I don't come back."_

"Dammit, Shepard."

"_I know this could be it. I had a lot of time to think about what to say that would give you comfort if I died again." _She took a slow breath, closing her eyes. _"I just want you to know that even though it's different now, I love you. I'll fight like hell to make it back. If I do . . . well, I'll do everything I can to make it right for you. And then maybe we can start over."_

It wasn't supposed to be like this, and yet there was no more use in whining or clinging to what should have happened. If they'd both had their way, she'd never had died. They'd be married. They'd defeat the Reapers together. He knew he'd taken out his resentment at the situation on her and this could very well be the last chance he'd ever have to set the record straight. With that realization, the words nearly flew from his lips.

"I'm sorry, Shepard. I was an ass to you. I was – this whole thing with Cerberus is bullshit, and I – goddamit. I . . . I just want you to know that I love you too. And when you make it back, it'll be just like you said. We'll work this stuff out. We'll start over, and this time I won't be an asshole."

She smiled a little. "_You said 'when', not 'if'."_

"I'm not going to acknowledge 'if'. Otherwise, I'd have to recognize that I wasted this second chance distrusting you for something completely out of your control. I don't know."

"_Well, hey. Don't beat yourself up too bad. Save some for me."_

He attempted to laugh for her benefit, though it sounded stiff to his ears. _"_If anyone deserved to kick my ass, it's you."

"_Nah. Way I figure it, both of us have things to make up for. I like being on equal footing."_

"More or less, anyways," he said, rubbing his eyes. "Shepard, you don't look well."

She shifted uncomfortably, distorting a bit on screen. _"It's been a difficult mission," _she allowed. "_Not sleeping much anymore."_

"You don't look like you're eating, either."

She pressed her hands to her cheeks, feeling the jutting bones. "_This business has been fucking with my appetite too."_

"You're forgetting to eat is what's happening."

She sighed. _"Guilty. I don't know. I've stopped feeling hungry. I'll catch myself feeling like shit and realize it's because I didn't meet my caloric requirement – for the biotics, right? I drink the juice constantly- just not eating enough. Mordin and Jack try and remind me, but Mordin is so preoccupied with whatever smart things he thinks all day, and Jack – well, her style of caring can be abusive." _She rubbed her nose a bit. "_Do I really look horrible?"_

"You look like you need a break."

"_Well, hey. If I pull this off, I'm turning myself over to the Alliance. And regardless of what they have planned for me, three squares probably factor in."_

He tried to smile. "Don't know if Alliance HQ fare is anything to look forward to."

"_It's better than what we have on this bucket."_

"I'll have to take your word for it."

"_Good! I was thinking about what else I'm looking forward to coming back to the Alliance. The range, probably; I could spend my whole day just farting around there. It'll be moot if they dump me in jail and leave me there, but I can dream can't I? I'd work on the biotic and tech trials, too- make sure everything is working."_

"Still hanging in there with the Savant?"

"_Yeah, and why wouldn't I? It's way better than the crappy Logic Arrest," _she said, smirking.

"Hey, watch it. That Omni-tool and I have a history."

"_You're just too much of a bore to try anything new."_

"Why change things if what you have works just fine?" he pointed out.

"_Ah, Kaidan. I always liked how reliable you were."_

"Yeah, yeah."

"_Hey, did you know they outfitted me with an L5 implant when they brought me back? I think I might spike higher than even you, now."_

"I'm pretty sure you did back when you were an L3," he grinned.

"_No way. Remember on Noveria when you caught like four commandos in a singularity and then blew that shit up with a warp? I had to pick up my teeth off the floor. I don't even think I could manage that today."_

"Bullshit. Anyway, I don't remember it exactly like that," he said, rubbing his neck.

"_You were _mad. _You get scary when you're that mad."_

"One of them busted through your shields! I was . . . I was worried."

"_You were more than worried. I thought you might have brain damage after that display- aren't you supposed to keep a lid on for your own health?"_

"Yeah. I had a migraine for two days straight after that. I'm not sorry I did it though."

"_I know. It just reminds me how much I liked having you at my back. How much I liked having yours. I hope someday after this business we have a chance for that again."_

"I'd – I'd like that, Shepard."

She glanced off screen for a moment, the picture distorting a bit as she frowned. "_I'm going to have to go soon," she said softly. "Not yet, but soon. Gotta armor up, clean my weapons. You know."_

"Yeah."

"_Hey. Don't look like that." _She attempted a cheery expression for his sake, though it was undercut by how tired and miserable she looked. "_I told you a story; you tell me one. Something from before."_

He pushed away the thought of this conversation ending, of her flying through the Omega-4 relay never to be seen again, instead ransacking his thoughts for a happier memory. "I remember the first time I saw you in action, Shepard."

"_Oh yeah? Was that Eden Prime?"_

"No. We did a few assignments on the border of Batarian space, remember?"

"_Oh shit, I forgot about those."_

"You'd just been transferred to the Normandy, and you were a bit of a celebrity. Everyone heard about the Blitz. There were lots of rumors of the things you'd done and it kind of became a game to make up even more outlandish ones: Shepard once skinned a krogan, Shepard eats dextro because she feels like it, etcetera."

She snorted. "_You're kidding."_

"I'm not! There was some cynic who insisted that everything surrounding you was hype; that you made a pretty picture for the recruitment posters, so they talked you up as the human ideal to bag recruits."

"_Sounds like something Chase would have said."_

"Yeah . . . you know, I think it was him. Anyways, we were infiltrating a group of pirate frigates that had been raiding. You were . . . god, I still get shivers thinking about it. You were amazing. I'd never seen anyone fight like you."

"_You're exaggerating," _she accused.

"Not on your life. I mean, I acquit myself pretty well – I've been a soldier for more than a decade. But you- it was like you were born to this life. Like everything you did was more than just habit from training, it was instinct. I remember understanding why they used you for the posters."

"_And why is that?"_

"You're the ideal. You're what we all aspire to, what we wish we could be; skilled, principled and dutiful, powerful, beautiful inside and out."

"_Hah. . . and now look how that turned out."_

"Nothing has changed," he told her. "You're the same Shepard they used for their posters. You know what made me realize this?"

"_No, what?"_

"Insisting on turning yourself over to the Alliance when this is done. You could easily continue to operate in Terminus space, well out of our reach. But you knew that doing that would spark a conflict between the Alliance and the Batarians, and you couldn't do that; not with the Reapers coming."

"_Well, you make it sound much more selfless than it is," _she explained, shifting a bit. "_I'm tired. I want a break."_

"Even if that was true, that isn't the whole truth."

She picked at her ragged nails, lips curving downward. "_I'll be thinking of that Alliance prison fondly today. A warm bed, solid ground under my feet. Close enough to knock Alliance Command on the head about the Reapers coming. I'll be thinking about you, wherever you are, and hoping I get the chance to start again with you."_

"Think about staying alive, Shepard," he told her desperately.

"_I told you I'd fight like hell to do exactly that," _she reminded him with a bit of her old temerity. "_I've done crazier things than take on the Collector homeworld."_

"While that is true . . ."

"_I know. I've got a strong team and their heads are in this. I'm wary about making these kinds of promises to you, considering what happened, so instead I'll make a prediction; we're all going to come out the other side alive and with a hell of a story to tell."_

"All right. I'll bet on you."

"_I have to go, Kaidan. Drink my juice, clean my guns. Another day at the office, right?" _she laughed weakly.

He loved her for the attempt at levity, no matter how inappropriate. He leaned closer to the console though another headache was already pressing against his skull, his aching eyes. The image of her flickered again and he balled his hands into fists, his nails digging into his palm. A wave of loss nearly choked the words out of him. "Right," he echoed.

"_I'll be seeing you soon, Kaidan. Remember what I said."_

He suspected he would his entire life. "I will."

The image of her flickered one more time - her sad eyes, lips pulled in a stubborn smile; that face he knew he'd love for the rest of his days - and then she was gone.

**AN2: I lied! One more chapter and then that's a wrap!  
**


	8. Chapter 8

It was the longest week of his life.

He didn't sleep, hardly ate. Like an automaton, he drifted from one commitment to the other without completely engaging on any sort of meaningful level. He saw things from behind a veil of worry that transcended anything he'd ever known. It churned in his gut, scraping away at his ribs.

Not to say he didn't do his job. But it was all he did. He kept himself busy to avoid frantically speculating on all that could go wrong; the Collectors, her slow weakening in the face of stress, a thousand points of variance. She was skilled, sure, but she was only human. Tough, but fragile all the same, fragile in the way every person was.

He became a nuisance to intel, dogging them constantly for any word of a Cerberus vessel bearing the new Normandy's description. There was none. . . not for a week.

When the word came that Commander Shepard had surrendered herself to the Alliance for her crimes against the Batarians, Kaidan was finally able to breathe again. She had survived the Collectors. She was alive, unharmed! And they were now free to start again, just as they had promised one another.

Despite his promotion and increased reputation, it was difficult for him to ascertain the specifics of Shepard's status. Everyone knew she had survived her mission and returned to the Alliance, but her actual location was surprisingly difficult to discover. It took every bit of his persistence to learn she had been transferred to the Alliance headquarters as unobtrusively as possible and was being kept under house arrest.

Not true prison, then. Only house arrest. He suspected (or hoped, perhaps) that the arrangement would be temporary. The Reapers were coming, just as she said, and she needed to be at the front of the galaxy's defense.

After a lot of haranguing, angling, and outright begging, he was finally allowed to see her. Not in her heavily guarded apartment but in the middle of one of the HQ cafeterias, kept mostly empty for her sake. If anything, her renown had increased during her stint with Cerberus, and she would not have been able to eat or do anything surrounded by other Alliance personnel.

He was nervous. The more he thought about it, the more he realized nervous was an understatement; he felt oddly as if his heart had migrated to the vicinity of his throat, and he suspected if he tried to speak he would only be able to croak pathetically. His hands shook at his sides.

It was the memory of both their last conversation and the last time they had spoken face to face that had unbalanced him. Each time, there had been strong words spoken, words that couldn't be taken back. He'd meant them all; the odd sense of betrayal, the slow acceptance, the desire to start again. Even so, he wasn't used to such fearless honesty, not without leaving a way out.

With a determined huff of breath, he strode into the cafeteria, his heart in his mouth. And . . . there she was. The cafeteria was almost completely empty except for Shepard and a handful of guards, watching her eat with barely contained amusement. She chatted with them though they did not completely engage; only offering one word answers to what she said. She wasn't deterred though; she cheerfully supplied all ends of the conversation.

She was still so thin and pale, with her arm in a sling and dark circles under her eyes, but her face broke into a genuine smile when she saw him in the doorway.

"Kaidan!" She leapt to her feet and threw her good arm around him, without a hint of self-consciousness or fear. It surprised him to realize he could not maintain his caution with her so near, and he returned the embrace.

"You made it," he breathed, half-laughing. In that moment, her survival was no longer an abstract; she was here, solid in his arms. She was alive!

"I told you I would." She broke away and for a moment they only looked at one another, suddenly unsure. Relief gave way to the vastness of what had transpired between them, and it wasn't so easily forgotten. She was the first to look away, taking a seat and gesturing for him to join her. "Join me for a bit? That is, if it's all right with my wardens."

One of the guards nodded. "Major Alenko has been cleared."

She raised her eyebrows. "Major, huh? Congratulations."

"Ah- thanks." He rubbed his neck. "It was unexpected."

"Not to me. You're a hell of a soldier, Kaidan. It's about time they start recognizing it."

He shrugged, though he was secretly pleased at her praise. "How are you doing, Shepard? You look . . ."

"I know I look a bit rough," she said ruefully. "They gave me a checkup when they processed me. Lost ten pounds, which the doc informed me was pretty serious for someone of my height and frame. But as you can see," she said cheerfully, gesturing to the overflowing plates of food in front of her, "I'm trying to fix that."

"You're well on your way."

"For a minute there I was afraid I had an ulcer, since I couldn't eat. Not a happy thing."

"It wouldn't have surprised me if you did."

"Right? But no – I'm doing good. I feel . . . I feel free!" she said, taking a huge bite of her sandwich. "We took down the Collector base, blew the whole thing to hell! They won't be bothering our colonists ever again."

He smiled. "I should never have doubted you."

"Damn straight. It was . . . it was sick what they were doing. They were liquefying humans to make some kind of proto-human Reaper. Who knows how many tens of thousands of colonists they'd killed to get as far as they did. It was an abomination," she breathed, good humor long forgotten.

"Christ."

"Oh- and you'll love this. So I'm at the heart of the base. I've got a nuke, we're arming it and getting ready to get the hell out of dodge, and the Illusive Man contacts me. He wants me to set off a pulse that will kill everything on the base but leave the tech intact; including the human Reaper I'd just brought down. So he can _use _it."

"You're joking," he said, though he knew she wasn't.

"Wouldn't be a very good joke, would it? I told him to go to hell and blew the base up anyway." She was grim, but he saw a hint of pleasure in her eyes. "You have no idea how good it felt. Brought his best members to the Alliance, brought a frigate he built that cost him billions of credits."

"You brought yourself," Kaidan pointed out.

"Well . . . jury's out on whether the Alliance still wants me or not. It's looking like I'll be on house arrest for a while."

"You've earned a bit of a break, Shepard," Kaidan said gently.

"Yeah, I suppose. I was hoping for a short one, though. A few days. Maybe a week tops. Seems like that might have been an optimistic estimate."

"You think you can get back on your feet in that time?" he asked, nodding at her arm. "What happened there?"

She scowled. "Carelessness. It's nothing too serious; just a fracture and a dislocated shoulder. A few burns and scrapes. The whole base came crashing down after we defeated that human Reaper thing and I landed on it wrong."

"I'm glad you weren't hurt too badly."

"Yeah, that would have put a damper on things, wouldn't it?"

He paused, watching her eat for a moment. "I meant what I said," he told her. "I won't let them forget about the Reapers."

"I think that ship's sailed," she said, taking another voracious bite. "They all know they're coming. Hackett knows, and he's not going to let everyone forget. We just need to prepare now. And it's like – how do you prepare for something like that? Try to remember Sovereign and extrapolate? All I know is that sitting around and watching is going to be hard."

"Then I won't let them forget about you, Shepard." He swallowed. "I won't forget about you."

She put down her sandwich. "I – that means a lot, Kaidan."

They lapsed into silence. He felt the quick ease between them fade as they remembered their mutual crimes against the other, the inconsiderate words, the disconnect. But he remembered the promise too; the promise that if they both came out the other side, they would begin again. And for the first time in so long, Kaidan felt hope for the both of them.

He couldn't say it, not here. Not in front of her wardens, watching with poorly concealed interest. He couldn't say it when having her again was still so new, without the specter of Cerberus looming between them. But he knew – it was only a matter of time.

He smiled at her, and she returned it; a seal on their wordless promise.

"It's going to be a hell of a time," she told him, and he heard everything she left unspoken in the starkness of her voice. "You ready?"

Before, he had resisted it, but no more. Now, he faced it without looking for a way out. "I'm ready," he said, the truest words he'd spoken since the terrible day she died.

**AN: Thanks to everyone who read, reviewed, faved and followed this little story. It was a lot of fun to rewrite this little annoyance for me, and I hope you enjoyed it as well.**

**I started thinking about toying with ME canon some more in some different instances (namely, the whole of ME3), and I have some big ideas that I'm going start working on (with my other WIP, of course). Stay tuned!**

**Thanks again everyone!**


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